Sunday, October 18, 2009
Why???!!!!
I have been asked umpteen times... Why are you emo??? What are the source of your emo??? Who made me emo???
I admit that I am feeling emo all the time... So many things happened at one go... I can hardly have a chance to let out a big SIGH!!! How I wish I can say everything out when you guys asked... But then I have my reservations... Up till now, I have no idea whether this can be tell to others or not... That's one of the reasons that made me so down... There is one person who I feel is the best candidate to know about this, but then after second thought, I am not sure whether I should let him know about this or not... This leaves me so frustrated... The thought of saying it or not...
My mind has been flooded with the news everyday... Latest news come in day by day... The matter is getting more and more serious... I feel so helpless... I don't know which party should take the blame because no one seems to be wrong... It's just that anger complicates matter...
Moving on to another matter... I thought I have already repeated myself many many times that I wish to wash my hands off the matter... But why again and again, I am made aware of the situation... I always have the first hand news... I don't wish to have any knowledge about all these... It does not concern me at all... Other people view it as showing off... But I stand too near that I have no idea how am I supposed to analyse and view the whole situation...
I have so many things to say... I simply need a pair of suitable ears... I need a shoulder to cry on as well... I have a sudden thought that tai ma is no longer blessing us this time around... If she is, how come it's in a mess now??? No one wanted it to be in this way... Or it's a challenge that she wants us to go through???
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
.........
Michelle commented that I have been having many deep thoughts ever since I came back from Bristol...
I admit I have more thoughts as compared to the previous time... Last time, I only have to listen to solutions... Now I have to come out with my own solutions... Yes, I did try to solve the problem but most of the time, things just do not favour me at all... My solutions do not work at all... Consequently, I regretted my action and decision... What's next??? There is no one to turn to at all...
I still have many many questions which are left unanswered... Someone used to say that I have a brain but I always use it at the wrong place... Whenever it's the right time for me to apply my intelligence, I simply refused... I don't know why... I just chucked in my full level of stubbornness all the time... I know it won't solve any problem...
I always think that I can change someday... Or I am merely consoling myself??? I am not tougher at all at the end of the day, but instead even more fragile... I thought I am independent enough... But I am not again... I need other people by my side more even if it's just for a chat because being alone is too scary... I thought I will have less tears because I feel that I have gone through the worst... But it's not the case again... Tears roll for no reason... I thought I can get rid of the habit one fine day... But when will that day come??? I can't wait for that day to arrive!!!
Calvin asked me not to update my blog with emo posts as it will affect others...
I apologize to every reader if my blog has been affecting you in any way... But this is the most comfortable channel for me to voice out everything... So, don't rob me of the this way of making myself better and less emo... At the very least, I tried to make myself better...
I am starting to accept the fact that I am selfish and stubborn... Will elaborate more in my next post...
Monday, October 05, 2009
Happy ending...
The situation is getting more and more obvious and awkward... Even I myself am running out of ideas on how am I supposed to avoid the situation... Running out of topics when meeting each other... The awkwardness when facing each other... I wonder whether I am the only one feeling this way or maybe the other party feels it too...
We used to have so much to chat about... But thinking back... All those stuff can be categorized under the same topic... Hence, it falls back to square one... We were actually chatting the same old stuff since day one... I am the silly one again this time thinking that we were more than just friends... I was already told that things will never turn out the way I want it to be... But then I choose to think that things will work out just because I have the faith... But then I was defeated again...
True... I feel the pain... I am disappointed... To the extent of very very disappointed but what can I do and say??? Echo told me before... XQG told me before... I never listen... I thought I can take it all in my stride... But the truth is I could not at all... How stubborn human nature can be...
On the other hand, the choice of letting go is the best decision I have ever made for myself in my entire life... The decision hurts me more than a little, but I am very confident that the wound will heal one day... No doubt that this decision is influenced by many external factors and parties... I am sure that it is a decision that many people will feel happy for me... I know I might be the only one feeling sad over the decision but as long as those who loves me are happy, it's totally worth it...
I am the losing party in the end but it's a happy ending... I will get over it one fine day... =)
