Saturday, February 28, 2009

IT'S A STORY...

贪心鬼

&

小气鬼...

Friday, February 27, 2009

Obviously I have OVERRATED you from the beginning till now... I put too much hope in you that I end myself in great disappointment at this point of time... My heart aches to the extent that I don't feel anything except for the pain... I am glad that I still have those girls to listen to me... Thanks Yi Ling and Michelle... I am glad I have tonnes of assignments to keep myself drop dead tired...

If this is the so-called training you are referring to, I am still trying very hard to adapt to it... If this is the so-called love and concern that I am going to receive from now onwards, I can tell you I can't take it... If this is the so-called the same old you, I can tell you it's BULLSHIT... If this is the so-called perfect dear, I can tell you that even a normal friend can treat me better than you now... Somehow you gave me a feeling of 有心无力... Correct me if I am wrong again... I allow you a chance to defend yourself...

No matter what I said, it has turned into me being calculative... Fine... I won't complain anymore, I won't demand anymore because I need to be understanding and considerate... Please have some mercy on me because I need someone to understand me as well...

Afterall, I am just too disappointed in myself this time...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I am missing the someone whom I claimed to understand me more than myself... I am pining for the someone whom I claimed to be one of the most wonderful person on earth... I am searching for the someone whom I myself feel so comfortable to talk to... I am looking high and low for the someone whom I regard as my pillar of strength... I am awaiting for the return of the someone whom I can be my own self when I am in front of him... I am loving the someone whom can make me feel like I am the happiest girl on earth... The someone is none other than XQG...

I miss him a lot a lot a lot... He claimed he's still the same person I used to know but somehow I can't find the feelings at all... Everything seems so unconvincing to me... Everything is unfavourable to me now... I am obviously at the disadvantage and losing end... I used to think that it's "Us against the world, You and me against them all" but it no longer applies now... It's "Me against the world" all by myself... Who is deluding who???

No one has let me down... Only I let myself down... I allow myself to be insulted and resulted in others overcrossing my border... As the saying goes, being magnanimous to other means being cruel to your own self... I finally understand the meaning... Taking a big step backward is almost equivalent to me raising my white flag... I allow others to climb on top of my head... Plainly because of my naive and stupid thinking that if I respect others, I'll be respected by others in turn... But this is not the case... I was totally being insulted... I don't even feel a tinge of being respected... Not even a tiny bit...

What do I get for holding on??? I was made a fool... I was blamed for everything... I was made the biggest joke of the year... That's life, I presume... No one can have the best of everything... Another question arises, is everyone worth being given a second chance???

Sweet talk is just like sugar... Too much intake will lead to diabetes... Please watch the consumption of your sugar intake... Cheers... =D

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

It is something which is totally wrong theoretically but just because of my unfulfilled responsibilities, it somehow seems so right... I am not supposed to get angry... I am not supposed to have any reaction... But this is just the right feeling because at the point of time, I am numb... No feeling at all except unlimited tears keep rolling down my cheeks... I am speechless... I have nothing to defend myself...

The hands which were supposed to embrace me do not belong to me alone... What will be the next thing I will be robbed off??? The feelings that I can't give right now sooner or later will also be substituted... The phrase which used to belong to me alone will no longer belong to me alone anymore... I have been robbed off one thing after another...



These two sentences are enough to make my heart stops beating... The incident that I dreaded so so so much has finally happened... Luckily it's part of it... But will there be part 2??? I seriously hope that's the finale... Sorry... No more reserve on this post... I am f*ckingly pissed off now because I seem to be made a fool again...

You know what is the consequences of lying to me... I have stated my stand very clearly long long ago... It is slipping through my finger again... Lost grip of it not because I want it to but because you choose to... I can shoulder all the blames but are you sure your conscience will be clear??? After all, it's A PACK OF LIES from the beginning!!!! Only a fool will be taken on a ride over and over again... And YES, I AM THE GREATEST FOOL IN THE UNIVERSE!!!

"Can't believe that I am a fool again... I thought this love will never end... How I was to know... You never told me... " Everyone knows very sure what song is this... Hahaha... It is finally applicable to me... Very very soon I think... :D:D:D

Don't worry, guys... It's still within my acceptable boundary... Will be fine... Don't probe... Just apply whatever imagination you all have... Cheers... :P

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hellloooo... I am back from Dublin... Nice place... Nice food... Nice beer... "Nice" weather... Hahaha... It's even colder than Bristol... Will update the trip in Blur Life...

I have something that pissed me off so much that I seriously need to rant rant rant... This time I mean it when I said, she better "go to hell"... This time I won't be so magnanimous as to call her "that girl"... She's an utterly damn bloody annoying wicked irritating B*TCH!!!!! How I wish I can add in the F word... But I still have some reservation on my language used in my blog... WTH is the maximum...

Never in my life I will call people b*tch and never in my life I will hate a girl to this extent... She is simply an exception not because she is special but she is simply too annoying to me... I hate her to the core... I hate her to the maximum... I can't stand even listening to what she has done... I can't even imagine seeing her for a milisecond... This is when I have no idea how she looks like... Imagine what will happen if I can recognize her??? She'll turn into a voodoo doll I guess... Being pricked needles by me...

Don't appear in front of me when I am back in Malaysia... Find yourself a hole and bury your head inside... Stop pissing me off although I know you can do certain things that I can't do now... But all I can say is you are totally CHEAP...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

SICK... TIRED... FED UP... ANNOYED... IRRITATED... AMUSED...

Not going to repeat myself anymore... This will be the last time... Fine... If you don't feel appreciative... Fine... Even if you don't wish to have me in your mind... As long as your conscience is clear, I have nothing to say... I can't possibly force you to miss me if that is not your intention... There won't be any happiness... No worries... I still miss you a lot...

Do whatever you like... Miss whoever you like... I have said whatever I could... I have done whatever I can think of... Yet, I am still not being appreciated... Everything seems to be my fault... It's ok... I still can take it in my stride... It's no big deal... I don't lose anything by shouldering the blame... As long as you are happy... But please don't build your happiness on other people's sadness... This is so cruel...

Sometimes, I do hope you really pop into my blog and have a look... Anyway, when the time you remember my blog, maybe it will be a day when I am really exhausted... :D

面子真的比说出真心话难吗??? 难道我难过你最开心???

你还不是一个口是心非的家伙!!! AMITABHA... GOD BLESS... :D

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I am too imperfect to the extent that nothing else can be done to make me better... It will only end up making things worse... My stubborn stays still, not even have the idea of taking a step backward... My temper remains, not even have the thought of hiding for a moment... My insatiable demand is driving myself nuts... Loneliness and emptiness seems to know me by my name... Haunting and pestering me non-stop...

If one day the volcano erupts, that will be the end of everything... What a disastrous event... People lost their home, their belongings and most importantly their loved ones... The happiness that one used to have will be gone forever... Nothing can bring back those life... Nothing can be done to salvage everything... How pathetic it will be...

If one day I am left on my own, will I myself be the cause of everything??? No other people should be blamed??? Just because I am too stubborn, demanding, unreasonable and not understanding??? How come I am never happy??? How come I can't see things the way I used to??? How come a promise is only valid when the situation permits??? How come even a promise has validity period??? Where can I find promise with double assurance and unlimited validity period???

If one day I am the one who left to be on my own, will I myself be the cause of everything again??? Holding on because I can't let go??? Holding on because I have sunk too deep??? Holding on because I don't wish to start from the starting point again??? Holding on to the belief you and I can achieve everything... Is that possible??? Or is that impossible??? If I were posed this question one month ago, without any doubt and hesitation, I can tell u, of course IT IS POSSIBLE... But now... I need to pause and think about it...

Just ignore this random post of mine and don't probe... Since I created the whole mess, let me clear it up all by myself... It will be back to square one... I promise... I won't let the mess takes control over me... NEVER!!!

能不能不爱了??? 因为爱太痛了... 我痛得快死了... 却不能把你忘了... (extracted from Kenji's new song, 爱太痛)...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

What a Valentine's... Boring and lonely... Forget about it... No special occasion is worth me being excited anyway... Not Christmas, not Chinese New Year, not Valentine's... Laughter dominates those occasion for most people but mine is sadly dominated by tears... I am just having nothing better to do than expecting something that will never happen!!! Shi Hui, wake up... Assignments due on 2nd and 9th March!!! That will be your priority now...

I hate having special occasion... I hate myself for not being able to take everyday as normal as it can be... So what it's Valentine's, whose birthday, or whatsoever... I should not give a damn on it... Sucky life still goes on for me... Putting too much hope and expecting too much from those occasion will only end myself in disappointment and indulging in a "tableful" of tears... What's the point???

I simply don't understand how one could go on a holiday without picking up calls and replying smses... Does replying a sms take a lot of your time??? Does talking to me spoil your mood??? I only need 3minutes out of your precious time... Shi Hui, you are not not supposed to cry over this... Please hold back those tears... I seriously need to get out of this mess before the mess takes control of me... Missing someone to this extent is simply pathetic... Damn it... Somehow I suddenly cannot differentiate not being able to talk to you and you ignoring me... It's the same, right???

Sometimes I really don't see the point of missing someone so much... Does the person you are missing is missing you as much as you miss him/her??? 诗卉, 为什么你越爱越可悲, 越爱越难过, 越爱越寂寞??? 难道他所谓的学习就是让你比任何人都还要坚强但寂寞吗???

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Oh my god... I miss him like crazy now... How am I going to survive on Saturday??? God, please save me... I have the urge to skip Saturday because I know it will be a torturing day for me...

Seeing the phone but not being able to do anything... I can't call... I can't text... Not because I have run out of credit but because I had already promised not to disturb him... The last time I heard his voice was only 4 hours ago and now I want to listen to his voice again... Sigh...

好辛苦!!! 好辛苦!!! 好辛苦!!! 好辛苦!!! 怎么办??? :(:(:(

By the way, Happy Valentine's Day... :D

Friday, February 13, 2009

Hahahaha... It has been quite some time since I last start a post in this way... Haha... Guess what... I RECEIVED MY VALENTINE'S CARD FROM MY 小气鬼!!! TODAY!!! YES, IT'S TODAY!!! Initially I thought that it will be a belated valentine's card as dear sent it out super late... I was still grumbling that he got no heart... Who knows the postman loves him so much... Delivered the card to me just on time... No excuse to find fault on him...

Although it's a card that I request before receiving, at the very least, I got the card... Simply over the moon... Was quite depressed in the morning since I knew that there will be two days that I can't talk to him... Can't call him as and when I like because he's on holiday... The card made my day... Thanks a lot, dear... *hugs*... Muackssss... :D:D:D

Thursday, February 12, 2009

我需要有人肯定我做的每一件事!!! 不关是在做什么我都用我最真的心... 最不喜欢你讲我没有心... 要怎样做才叫有心??? 难道要等我一天什么都不做的时候才最用心吗???

每一张卡, 每一个字都需要时间, 心思去写... 只希望你可以让我觉得你有感受到我要传达的信息... 不是你的一句"没有心"... 因为不能陪你过很多很多节日所以每一次的卡都从不迟到... 对你的想念... 对你的祝福... 都想让你知道... 做了这样多换来的一句"没有心"还真的让我累了...

是不是应该什么都不用做呢???

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

More and more in the list... Nothing can shaken my stand this time... No matter what, must stay alert at all times... Plan A has to be carried out immediately... No more delaying... Time is everything now... A small mistake might cause me to regret my whole life... Tears are not even supposed to roll down now...

Getting more and more used to this kind of situation... Just that I was not mentally prepared at all the previous time... Just now out of control but luckily managed to calm myself down... Hmmm... What's for Plan B then??? Suggestions please, thank you... For more details, please approach me directly... It's not appropriate to disclose here...

Kill the jealousy in me... Kill the over-worrying in me... Kill the low self-esteem in me... I have to hang on till the end... White flag, get out of my sight... You won't be of any use this time... No matter what happened, 小气鬼还是我,贪心鬼的DEAR... Everything remains unchanged just that a few people are trying to become the crowd... What to do... They don't understand that "two a couple, three a crowd, four, five and six are even worse"...

On the other hand, sometimes I wonder will our effort be really paid off... Does the person that we are putting in effort feel it??? What if ended up we are being taken for granted and not appreciated??? Does that mean we still have to smile at the whole world and said, "I have put in my very best effort"??? People always say that no matter what the outcome is, there is no use regretting as long as you put in your best... Does that applicable in real life???

Monday, February 09, 2009

I came to realise that I didnt't lose anything at all... Everything which belongs to me are still mine... Everyone whom I care and love dearly are still being cared and loved by me... My heart was just being shadowed by the devil in me... I was looking things from a devilish perspective that made me couldn't think rationally and logically... It feels great to be angelic once in a while...

How many times I was pissed off over the same matter and the same person??? How many times have I lose my temper over the same matter and the same person??? How many times did he raise his voice at me over the same matter and same person??? How many litres of tears have been wasted over the same matter and the same person??? Everything seems so not worth it...

What a shame... An accounting student actually made such a blunder... Costs vs benefits??? Wasting too much resources on something that is of no benefit to a firm is to be rejected... Never undertake a project which will cause the firm to suffer a loss (negative NPV)...

Porter's Five Forces Model??? Unexpected situations do occur within a firm or an industry right??? Competition is needed for a firm to strive harder to gain competitive advantage... New products or marketing strategy is needed once in a while... Marriage is not a monopoly, let alone being in a relationship... I would classify them as oligopoly... :D:D:D

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Hmmm... Dear told me something about that b*tch... This will be the last time I am calling her in that way... Let's refer her as that girl from now on... Dear told me something about that girl that made me quite sympathise with her condition... Although part of me still doesn't like everything she has done but part of my heart felt out for her... Being the same age as us, she is going to become a single mum... Her husband, who is soon going to be her ex-husband is on drugs and refused to sign the divorce paper and even threatened to snatch her daughter away...

She needed someone to talk to, to listen to, to support her at this point of the time... It turned out that the person is dear... If she were to lose dear as a friend, she might really collapse... For those who know the whole story, I actually allow dear to remain as friends with her... If 小气鬼were to do something behind my back, he wouldn't be telling me that much, right??? No doubt this is the most critical point of time for me and the best chance for him to betray me as that girl has fallen head over heels on him... But I still believe that my dear will always be my dear... If our love will not be able to withstand this, I am sure this relationship will not be able to work out anymore... Let time prove everything...

As for that girl, please don't let me feel insulted or whatsoever... I have taken a big step backward... I wish you all the best in your future life... Take care...

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Another complaint lodged by my daughter, Michelle saying that my Blur Nag is too solemn... Haha... Okok... Complaint being taken into account... No more sad post for the time being... Snow made my day... Not going to mention about that b*tch anymore although she still pisses me off... But too many posts on her will make it as if I really prioritise her that much... She is not worth any space in my blog yet... Bluek...

Valentine's Day in one week time... Is everyone prepared??? Hehe... I have sent out everything that I am supposed to send one week ago... Considered mission accomplished for this occasion... Recipients, kindly check your mailbox... Thank you... :D:D:D

And of course I do request for something from XQG... I desperately need a card sent by him from Malaysia... He did promise to send me one but ended up being said that I am 小孩子... Couldn't care that much... As long as I got my card... Hahaha... Now awaiting for my Valentine's card...

GIRLS and BOYS out there... This is for our friendship on Valentine's Day... Thanks for being there for me all the time... Sharing my tears and laughters... Love you guys so much...


This is for my DEAR... Hope you are reading this... :)


Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I am simply in the mood for this occasion now... Because when I am in a good mood, everyday seems to be Valentine's... Take care and miss ya guys a lot a lot... Muacksss... :D:D:D Cheers...

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW???!!!

• Shi Hui was thrown with a pile of words and be left to make decision on her own...
• Shi Hui has never been treated in this manner before...
• Shi Hui will not have to hang on to something that makes her feeling so terrible...
• Shi Hui's belongings will always belong to her... No one can snatch anything away from her unless she gives it up herself...
• Shi Hui is so used to her comfort zone that she can hardly survive now under normal condition...

You tamed me... After that, you expect me to hunt for my own food... Isn't this contrasting??? Can't things stay the same forever??? Why must you rule out my theory that happiness is short lived??? At the very least, mine is always that case...

心中有太多太多说不出的苦... 有谁知道... 有谁明白... 有谁了解... 谁愿意听我说？？？　

下雪了, 我是很开心... 之后呢??? 雪熔化了, 还是我们常见的水...

Not forgetting to mention that I met with a damn bloody freaking mad annoying b*tch... I am so pissed off with her....

How come all these people just can't leave me alone??? Do u all remember the post on "I hate you"??? It's the same person... In fact, I can say it's the funniest joke on earth which at the same time made me hate her even more...

She asked XQG to negotiate with me is there any way for me to share XQG with her... Hahahaha and what the hell at the same time... Fat hope... One can have the answer without even thinking using your brain... Your knee can help you do the thinking... She's so damn bloody freaking mad annoying girl... I wanted so so so much to scold her b****... I guess she never used her brain when talking... Parents are shared among siblings... Friends are shared among friends... I do know of people who share their dear... But those are mad people and obviously I am not one of them... And guess what... She made it sound so nice as if she's doing me a great noble favour... She wants to help me accompany XQG given the fact that I am not around... But no thank you...

She really can make my blood boils... If my blood vessels were to burst one day, the cause will definitely be her... I feel so much like smacking her... She's just like a fly... Flying around making people so uncomfortable... Sigh... How to get rid of this pest???

Monday, February 02, 2009

As promised again, no more depressed post... The atmosphere in Blur Nag for the past one week is solemn enough... Worse than a funeral... *touchwood* Still in CNY mood... Cannot die die die... Oopssss... Sorry... As you guys know, no CNY in Bristol means no pantang... Hehe...

By the way, I AM PERFECTLY FINE!!! SERIOUS!!! Got over everything... Sorted out my own thinking... Everything is back to normal... January was a depressed month... According to my housemate, my room is full with yin (negative) forces... As a result, I bought an air freshener and hang it in my room now... It's so refreshing now... Full with yang (positive) forces...

I sent an email to dear yesterday and the day before... I read it again both of the emails after I sent out the last one and I myself had a shock... It's like written by two different people... The one sent out two days before was the normal me... But the one sent out last night left me puzzled... After that, I had the feeling that I might really suffer from nervous breakdown that I got so so so worried... I feel that I might collapse anytime... I know what I am doing but I really can't control my emotions... My action is being dominated by my emotions... It's really a feeling that I can't put into words... I guess Michelle had the most of it... She chatted with me almost everyday and she knows that I can be super low few hours ago and then super high after a few hours... Perfectly fine today and the next day emo again... Hahaha... My super high level of emo-ing... Sorry, Michelle... It must be hard on you to deal with my terrible mood swings... People... This is not a joke...

Then this afternoon, my housemate's friend's girlfriend was actually admitted to hospital few days ago due to stress and it leads to her suffering from nervous breakdown... Gosh... Nervous breakdown does really exist... No way I am going to force myself up to the wall and ended up suffering in the end and making those who loves me sad... I still want to go back to Malaysia... I want to meet everyone... Those who owe me hugs and kisses please be prepared... Those who owe me meals please get ready your money... Hehe...

Shi Hui, it's time to stand back on your own feet... No more 钻牛角尖了... It kills... The worst month I ever had in Bristol... I will make the most out of my last few months stay in Bristol... I want to have fond memories on this place... Thanks everyone for the support... Sorry to make everyone worried... Shi Hui is back in action!!!! :D:D:D

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Current condition : Emotionally very unstable
Worst condition : Nervous breakdown
Recommendation : Everything back to square one... 不要不要在钻牛角尖了...
*God bless her*

Everything changes... I seem to have been robbed of everything... Nothing more left... I used to think that I own everything... But now, I am struggling to search for what is left of me... It's two different extremes that I don't wish to accept the reality...

Can I voice out my dissatisfaction??? Can I have back all the privilege I used to own??? Can I have a second chance??? CAN I???!!! CAN I???!!! CAN I????!!!!! Your cruelty struck directly into my heart with no chance for me to shout in pain...