Saturday, March 28, 2009

There's LIE in beLIEve... What's left???

• 沒有一百分的另一半，只有五十分的兩個人。
• 付出真心，才會得到真心，卻也可能傷得徹底；保持距離，就能保護自己，卻也註定永遠寂寞。
• 通常願意留下來跟你爭吵的人，才是真正愛你的人。
• 有時候，不是對方不在乎你，而是你把對方看得太重。
• 冷漠，有時候並不是無情，只是一種避免被傷害的工具。
• 如果我們之間有 1000步的距離，你只要跨出第1步，我就會朝你的方向走其餘的999步。
• 為你的難過而快樂的，是敵人；為你的快樂而快樂的，是朋友；為你的難過而難過的，就是那些，該放進心裡的人。
• 就算是believe，中間也藏了一個lie 。
• 真正的好朋友，並不是在一起就有聊不完的話題；而是在一起，就算不說話，也不會感到尷 尬。
• 朋友就是把你看透了，還能喜歡你的人

I stumbled upon this mail in my inbox while clearing my mails just now... It was sent by 小气鬼 last year and I don't even remember the existence of this mail... Anyway, he read the same points to me few months ago... Among those points, the one highlighted are those that I really like and the one which has the largest font is my favourite... Even if it is beLIEve, there is still LIE in between... How true is that... No matter how much you believe someone, eventually there is still lie involved... I should have glued this in my brain for as long as it can be... There is no such thing as BELIEVE...

想要了解人心与人性, 不是一朝一夕的...

有是我们用一辈子也不一定了解, 我们的那个他...

Jojo told me this some time ago... It's not a task that can be completed in no time to understand a person's heart and nature... Sometimes, even if we use a lifetime to understand a person, it does not assure us that we understand them inside out and upside down...

Once in a while, sitting down and pondering over those quotes and what other people had said to me is indeed a good way to diminish the stubborn level in me... I love this feeling... I love everyone around me... <3<3<3

Friday, March 27, 2009

At this point of time, there are so many things that run concurrently in the limited capacity storage of mine... Even I am caught in surprise... It has been a while since I have so much thoughts... I have the sudden urge to talk about many many things... Who should I tell those many many things to??? What are those things that can be disclosed openly here??? What are those things that I really really want and need to talk about???

Happiness, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, etc... To whom they belong to??? Me, myself and I??? Family, friends and I??? Has everyone fulfilled their responsibility they have on me??? Have you finish teaching me what you are supposed to teach me??? The answer seems no but how come you are leaving without telling??? You left me unguarded to face all these alone... How can you be so selfish and cruel??? You left so many of my wishes unfulfilled... How can you withdraw halfway through the game??? You left me not knowing which direction to go... I still have many many things want to tell you... I still have many many questions want to ask you... He's really DEAD...

He used the most appropriate way to bring me down... Tackle on my weaknesses and strike from there... I have no idea on how to defend myself because the most vulnerable and fragile part of me is being attacked... I am very very sure that he knows exactly how I feel right now... He can sense and feel my sadness and misery at this point of time but how can he act as if nothing happened and still keep mum till today??? I have no idea how long more I can wait before I really explode... By that time, no amount of god can bless him... :P

Hahaha... Enough of that... Another random post to vent out my frustration on my late 小气鬼... I made him sound so cruel hor??? Anyway, cruel or not is not an issue anymore because he is a nobody to me... He doesn't owe me anything... I just hope he has the same intention as my dad at the end of the day which is to make me stronger and more independent... :D

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

• The one closest to your heart no matter at what time and in what circumstances is always YOUR FAMILY...
• Never take things so seriously... A promise is just a promise... Do not put so much hope into it until it is being fulfilled...
• No one is worth being prioritised unless he/she has done something that can make you put him/her on your list...
• One should live for him/herself and not for anyone else because no one is worth your sacrifice except for those who are responsible to bring you into this world...
• Always have some benefit of doubt on EVERYTHING... Do not take everything at face value...

The above few points were extracted from my previous post... Each and every point seems so true now... A simple "Sorry" can void all the promises made before... A simple "Forget me" can destroy all the status he has in my heart... A simple "I am dead" can make him a nobody to me...

It was a relationship which caught everyone by surprise... It was a relationship everyone is so against it... The outsiders always get to see things clearer... This time no exception as well... What does not belong to me will not belong to me no matter how firm I am holding onto it... No use grieving or wanting it back...

I just want to say,

"I SUDDENLY MISS HIM A LOT... I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY DO..." =D

I wonder,

Will he miss me??? Does he miss me??? Will I ever cross his mind???

Monday, March 23, 2009

I am so so so so so happy today...
=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)

小气鬼finally signed in MSN after not signing in for almost a month... Hahahaha... And he did not ignore me when I sent him messages... I am satisfied enough... At the very least, he is not avoiding me because he dares to sign in MSN when he knows very sure that I will be there...

Ermmm... I have no idea on how to put the feelings into words while chatting with him in MSN... Of course it feels so so weird to chat with him because we used to video call... But then I have not been listening to his voice for quite some time already... So I am quite comfortable with chatting... That day he told me it is better not to talk on the phone as it will add on to the pain... I agree because texts alone can make me cry so bitterly... I can't imagine if he popped the news to me on the phone... It happened before... When he told me something that I don't wish to know, all I did was crying on the phone... Nothing else... I guess he is afraid of my tears now...

One more thing, it is so funny when he asked me, "How are you??" and I asked him, "How are you???"... I seriously cannot stand the formality... Gosh... It made me feel like laughing so much... But then it's manners... So I have no choice but to stick to the formality...

Well... It is a good start... I don't feel sad when talking to him... I don't feel like crying when chatting to him... I don't have the urge to call him "Dear"... I still have the nerves to make fun of him... Wakaka... They always say that girls will feel that treating ex as friend is very easy... But this is not applicable to guys... As for 小气鬼, I have no idea whether he belongs to this category or not... Hopefully he is different from normal guys... Haha...

Four years ago, he never had the thought of giving up on supporting me mentally and morally... Four years later, I am the one who never have the thought of giving up on supporting him mentally and morally... It does not matter how many times he ignores me... It does not matter if he does not reply any of my texts... I will be contented enough even if he accidentally thought of me be it only for a second in a day... Simply because he is my 小气鬼... Once my 小气鬼, forever my 小气鬼... This time I am not greedy at all although I was known as 贪心鬼... I might sound really silly but I am very sure about what I am doing... It has come to an end... No matter what I do, the ending will still be the same... I understand that... But I am trying to make myself happy... I am happy by doing all these... Trust me...

I guess this post is not solemn at all... Michelle, got the sunshine feel or not??? Chua is back in action with her long-winded nagging... Wakaka...

Miss each and everyone to the MAXIMUM... Muacksss muackssss... =D=D=D

P/S : I have a new name here... Chua Chua, Chua is my new name... Tell you guys about my new name soon... Stay tuned to my blog... Muahahahaha... =P

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I am contented with the information that I am supplied with till now... At the very least, I have bits and pieces here and there... Initially, it made me even more confused because it seems that the answer is so near but yet so far... But I have told myself that I am not going to question anymore the possible reasons underlying the whole episode... 小气鬼told me that there will be a day when I will know the truth... I seriously believe he will not lie to me and the day will come... If this is for my own good, I accept your decision... You never disappoint me in your decision making... So does this time...

On the other hand, the other day, Michelle and I were ruling out all the possible reasons that we could figured out... And then there was this funniest part when both of us thought about a realistic but funny possibility although I seriously do hope, pray and wish that is not the reason... *fingers crossed* Hahaha... We seem to watch too many dramas and become too dramatic...

I'll be fine... I have managed to fix my broken tap myself... Michelle, no plumber needed this time... Wakaka... Awaiting the day when Shi Hui is made known of the truth... The right time, the right place and the right person to tell me... Pray for me... Thanks... =D

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I finally got the long awaited reply... But how come when the sms reaches me, my tears flow like a broken tap... I did not get the answers that I want at all... My小气鬼told me he's dead... He's dead... He's gone... This time, it really slip through my fingers... It's gone... The case is closed... Gone forever... How does it slip through my fingers, I wonder... He does not even talk to me through the phone... Only smses... That's all...
I seriously seriously hope that this is a dream... Everything will be fine after I woke up... But how come this time no matter how many times I woke up, the pain is still there??? And the pain doubles or triples as time goes by... Michelle, this time I am right... It's a question with no answer provided at the end...

I am totally defeated this time... I lost my strong front... Nothing to cover my fragility and sadness... Luckily the tears know how to roll this time... How much tears is enough to numb a broken heart??? How much tears is needed to mourn for my小气鬼???

I never know it will hurt so badly... I never know it will be so painful... I never know it will turn out like this... I never know that will be the last time... How come there are so many things that I never know??? Stupidity remains... Ignorance stays still... Stubborn leading the way...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My 988 e-radio was still on... I was lying on my bed preparing to take a nap... And there was this program where listeners will send in SMSes to the deejay regarding everything... Then there was this SMS from a girl... The deejay read out... "I can't locate my bf... I can't find him anywhere... He is trying to avoid me... I want to know why..." At the particular moment, there were this 3lines on my head... =.= How come this sounds so similar... I can assure you guys that I am not the one who send in the SMS and I am sure I did not make up the story...

And the reply the deejay gave was, "He must have his own reasons that he can't say it out and as a result he chooses to avoid you... Eventually, you will get the answer... There's no point forcing him..."

Hmmm... This is what Michelle told me... This is what Jojo told me... This is what I am trying to convince myself... As time goes by, I will get the answers for sure... I have to be mentally prepapred that I might not even have the answer one day... I seriously can't do anything more if his intention is to avoid me... Save my pride and dignity... Stubborn devil, please be patient this time, ok??? You have said and done all you could... You yourself know very sure that there's no happiness in forcing... Quoting from Pay Chee (2009), life goes on and on and on and on and on... Cheers... =D

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I have been cracking my head asking myself thousands of WHYs and WHATs... Every possibility seems to be coming one after another... But how come there is this possibility that keeps flashing through my mind??? I have a strong feeling that might be the real cause... Arghhh... How am I supposed to brush that thought away??? Or I am just preparing myself for the worst??? What is it that I can't know???

Last night, while brushing my teeth, I have the sudden thought and reminded myself... If I were to know everything, I would not have to rule down every possibility myself till now... If he were to tell me everything, he would have done so long ago... If he were to explain, he would have explained long ago... If he were to call or text, it would have happened long ago...

Sigh... Ignore this post... Just finding some channel to vent out my frustration...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Calvin told me that certain things are better to be left unknown...

Jojo told me what for letting the unfavourable truth hurts you... We must learn to be self-protective...

Michelle said as long as I am happy, she's there to back me up...

Shi Hui said I must get to the bottom of the truth... This is how stubborn I am...

But this time is exception... I am listening to what Calvin and Jojo said... The truth is no longer important to me anymore... I don't deny the fact that I still hope someday somewhere he will let me know the truth... But it doesn't make any difference knowing it or not... At the end of the day, it will still be too late... History is repeating itself... I doubt there will be another 4 years time...

I myself have no idea whether I am fine or not... I have a feeling that is very difficult to be put into words... The weirdest thing is I am supposed to cry... But this time, there are no tears rolling... Maybe I have run out of tears...

Thanks for everyone who cares... I know you all love me... Don't worry... I'll b fine... Cheers... =D

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My XQG is missing... Did anyone see him anywhere??? He must have been hiding somewhere... I realised that he has turned into an ostrich... Burying his head in the ground when there are problems... He was not like that last time... At the same time, he has turned into a porcupine as well... Hurting everyone who goes near him... Maybe not everyone but I am the unlucky one...

Why is this happening??? But surprisingly, I am so used to it now... No more tears... No more complaining... I have to learn to make my own hot chocolate now... Anyway, if anyone happens to see him, please let me know because I miss my XQG... Thanks... =D

Friday, March 13, 2009

A simple shape, a simple four-letter word...
It's something simple yet so abstract...
It's something when you thought you got hold of it, but it can slip through your fingers...
It's something no one can have a clear definition on it...
It's something that can make people over the moon and at the same time make people so miserable...
L-O-V-E...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Arghhh... It all went back to square one... It's the feeling that I had when I first arrived Bristol... Aimless and emptiness... Last 3 weeks when I was so busy for assignments, I long for the arrival of 9th March... But now, after I handed in my last assignment, I have the sudden feel that I have nothing to do everyday...

Every morning, I woke up to attend classes as usual... After class, there will be nothing else in my head... Head back home without knowing what to do next... Cooked lunch... Staring at the laptop blankly... Signed in my MSN... Checked my inbox... Checked my blogs... Checked my Facebook, Friendster, Plurk... Read The Star... Read blogs... Whatever that can be done will take the most 3 hours of my time... What's next??? NOTHING BUT BOREDOM... I hate hate hate hate this kind of feeling...

True... For the time being, I am having no direction... Maybe people will be suggesting why don't I start on my revision... But please, I need a break from all these for a while... How I wish for a call from pa... How I wish for a nagging from mummy... How I wish for being bullied by my sisters... How I wish for being asked thousand and one questions from wai po... How I wish of listening to the same things over and over again from wai gong...

How I wish for some comfort and words of encouragement in a positive way... Torturing me but in the end, it's said for my own good... Even if I have to go through the same feeling back in Malaysia, I am sure things will be way better back there... At the very least, no matter what happen, my comfort zone is still there...

On the other hand, I seem to deserve everything on Earth besides the love from someone special... I have wai gong, wai po, pa, mummy, da jie, han, mek and wei who love me so much... I have a whole group of friends who love me a lot as well... But how come you have to destroy it when I thought I have found another person to love me... Is is the time for me to stop being so persistent for a moment in exchange of my happiness??? By the way, those things that I predicted few posts back has all been realised...

Another tearful post... The feeling just came when I am typing this post... Out of control again... Sorry... Ignore me... This post is not organised at all... The points are not linked and everywhere... This is how messy my memory capacity now... Imagine an overloaded brain with an empty heart... What is the feeling??? Can I call back home and cry??? Sometimes I wish but there is no way I am going to let this happen because everyone will be so worried about me... I lost the someone whom I can cry in front of as and when I like it...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Yesterday my housemate, Echo was talking to me about one of her lectures that she attended... It's on "UTILITARIANISM"... It is an ethical theory proposed by Jeremy Bentham and James Mill that all action should be directed toward achieving the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people... Then there is this real life story told by her lecturer... A young man was told by his dad's doctor that his dad wass diagnosed with a terminal disease and there are currently no treatment available... The doctor leave it up to the family to decide whether the dad should be made known the news or not... Given the understanding he had towards his dad, he is pretty sure that his dad will not be able to take it... Hence, he decided not to let his dad know about it... One day, the son had a chance to drop some hints to his dad... He asked his dad," If the report is out, would you want to know the results?"... His dad said no... And at the point of time, the son knew that he had made the right decision... At the very least, his dad lived happily throughout the last phase of his life...

Is this utilitarianism??? Do we really have to lie sometime to make others happy??? And is this the reason white lie can be told without guilt??? Just because it is a lie for good cause... I am so confused... Who on earth come up with white lie??? But what if one day the lie is being found out, that does not make the person any happier??? Or we should still think of the intention the liar had in the first place that he/she is meant to make you happier by lying to you??? Simply because it is a WHITE LIE!!!

Friday, March 06, 2009

Hello... Do me a very simple favour, pleaseeeeeeeeee... =D

Answer this question of mine honestly...
You don't have to give me face... No worries...

AM I STUBBORN???
If yes, to what extent and in what way???
Please leave your answer in the chat box...

Please please please... I need an answer to this as I have been condemned to be the most stubborn girl lately... Thanks a lot... Your answer will be deeply appreciated... Muackssss...

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

When I thought I am the unluckiest person to encounter all these shitty craps, I realised that I am far far far more fortunate than many many people in every corner of the Earth... Others have worse problem than me... Others are being deprived of the chance they have to let out another breath... Yet I have the chance to wake up every morning... Others are deprived of the chance to have a decent meal... Yet I have the chance to have complete three meals in a day... Others are deprived of a roof on top of their head... Yet I not only have a roof but a comfortable bed... Others are living all by themselves without knowing what is love... Yet I have such a big family who showers me with unconditional love all the time...

I have been letting so many people down for the past two weeks... Those who always stood by me no matter what... Never ever at any point feel like giving up on me... When the whole world seems to be turning their back against me, you guys made me feel as though I am the brightest star... Giving me unlimited support and strength to move on... THANKS A MILLION... Muackssss....

Even if the worst happens, it's not the end of the world yet... Trust me... I will be able to stand on my feet... I just need some time to cry my hearts out... Just like this time, after crying for two days, everything is fine now... I might not be in the best of mood now but I am smiling while typing this post... Michelle, I know you are very very worried about me... But I am really fine now... Remember the three girls on our Since 1987 shirt??? See no evil, Hear no evil and Speak no evil... Hahaha... As long as I can apply that, I can assure you that I will be smiling everyday...

Hanging on and holding on till the day I explode... Hahaha... Become the animal and embrace the other side" (Calvin, 2009)... On a random note, I read somewhere in my cousin's blog that when one day it has reached to a point when you don't feel anything at all, it is still a feeling afterall... How true is that... =D

Sunday, March 01, 2009

That's not totally free... I need something in exchange...