Sunday, October 18, 2009
Why???!!!!
I have been asked umpteen times... Why are you emo??? What are the source of your emo??? Who made me emo???
I admit that I am feeling emo all the time... So many things happened at one go... I can hardly have a chance to let out a big SIGH!!! How I wish I can say everything out when you guys asked... But then I have my reservations... Up till now, I have no idea whether this can be tell to others or not... That's one of the reasons that made me so down... There is one person who I feel is the best candidate to know about this, but then after second thought, I am not sure whether I should let him know about this or not... This leaves me so frustrated... The thought of saying it or not...
My mind has been flooded with the news everyday... Latest news come in day by day... The matter is getting more and more serious... I feel so helpless... I don't know which party should take the blame because no one seems to be wrong... It's just that anger complicates matter...
Moving on to another matter... I thought I have already repeated myself many many times that I wish to wash my hands off the matter... But why again and again, I am made aware of the situation... I always have the first hand news... I don't wish to have any knowledge about all these... It does not concern me at all... Other people view it as showing off... But I stand too near that I have no idea how am I supposed to analyse and view the whole situation...
I have so many things to say... I simply need a pair of suitable ears... I need a shoulder to cry on as well... I have a sudden thought that tai ma is no longer blessing us this time around... If she is, how come it's in a mess now??? No one wanted it to be in this way... Or it's a challenge that she wants us to go through???
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
.........
Michelle commented that I have been having many deep thoughts ever since I came back from Bristol...
I admit I have more thoughts as compared to the previous time... Last time, I only have to listen to solutions... Now I have to come out with my own solutions... Yes, I did try to solve the problem but most of the time, things just do not favour me at all... My solutions do not work at all... Consequently, I regretted my action and decision... What's next??? There is no one to turn to at all...
I still have many many questions which are left unanswered... Someone used to say that I have a brain but I always use it at the wrong place... Whenever it's the right time for me to apply my intelligence, I simply refused... I don't know why... I just chucked in my full level of stubbornness all the time... I know it won't solve any problem...
I always think that I can change someday... Or I am merely consoling myself??? I am not tougher at all at the end of the day, but instead even more fragile... I thought I am independent enough... But I am not again... I need other people by my side more even if it's just for a chat because being alone is too scary... I thought I will have less tears because I feel that I have gone through the worst... But it's not the case again... Tears roll for no reason... I thought I can get rid of the habit one fine day... But when will that day come??? I can't wait for that day to arrive!!!
Calvin asked me not to update my blog with emo posts as it will affect others...
I apologize to every reader if my blog has been affecting you in any way... But this is the most comfortable channel for me to voice out everything... So, don't rob me of the this way of making myself better and less emo... At the very least, I tried to make myself better...
I am starting to accept the fact that I am selfish and stubborn... Will elaborate more in my next post...
Monday, October 05, 2009
Happy ending...
The situation is getting more and more obvious and awkward... Even I myself am running out of ideas on how am I supposed to avoid the situation... Running out of topics when meeting each other... The awkwardness when facing each other... I wonder whether I am the only one feeling this way or maybe the other party feels it too...
We used to have so much to chat about... But thinking back... All those stuff can be categorized under the same topic... Hence, it falls back to square one... We were actually chatting the same old stuff since day one... I am the silly one again this time thinking that we were more than just friends... I was already told that things will never turn out the way I want it to be... But then I choose to think that things will work out just because I have the faith... But then I was defeated again...
True... I feel the pain... I am disappointed... To the extent of very very disappointed but what can I do and say??? Echo told me before... XQG told me before... I never listen... I thought I can take it all in my stride... But the truth is I could not at all... How stubborn human nature can be...
On the other hand, the choice of letting go is the best decision I have ever made for myself in my entire life... The decision hurts me more than a little, but I am very confident that the wound will heal one day... No doubt that this decision is influenced by many external factors and parties... I am sure that it is a decision that many people will feel happy for me... I know I might be the only one feeling sad over the decision but as long as those who loves me are happy, it's totally worth it...
I am the losing party in the end but it's a happy ending... I will get over it one fine day... =)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Him...
I finally talked to him again after not talking for like don't know how many years... Five years if I am not mistaken... Thanks to another person who initiated the conversation... It was great... I mean even though it was only a simple hi, it means a lot to me... At the very least, he is doing good... That's the best news I guess... The rest are no longer important... Whatever anger or dissatisfaction, just let it pass as the time goes by... There is no point remembering it because I have no idea when will be the next time I will say another hi to him...
Hmmmm... I saw him while driving today... I assume that he didn't see me... Or perhaps he wished that I was not reversing my car in front of his car... Or maybe I should not have driven right in front of his car... I was still thinking the other day when will I be seeing him on the road since I am driving most of the time... And indeed my dream came true... It does not last long but at the very least, it's a dream comes true... Guess lady luck will be following me soon... Hehe...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Messy...
Mummy said that, no one can tell that you are silly from your face... But then, when it comes to certain thing, I think my IQ is less than 0... I am totally brainless, idiotic. stupid and whatever you can name it... To put it in nicer word, maybe you can say that I am soft-hearted...
Seriously speaking, I have no idea how long it will take me to get over the whole episode... I find it so hard to let go... He used to tell me that I can throw all my worries towards him and hence I am left with no worries... He used to tell me that no matter what happened, he will always be there for me... But then, he prepared me for the worst... He left me to fend for myself... He told me that it was for my own good... I concluded that he is selfish and cruel simply because it was a pack of lies and excuses... I forgive him in the end... But WHY???
My heart told me to do so... I hate someone so much and I know it is tiring... I don't wish to add another person into the list... I don't want to hate him... But there is only a line separating hatred and love... If there's no hatred involved, I can't deny that there's no love involved... But is that love??? Or it's only a habit...
He was given the third chance but then everything changes after I am back from Bristol... Sometimes I wonder whether I am the one who has changed or the other way round... Perhaps knowing something that I could never get the truth made me extra cautious when dealing with him... I can make him promise me everything but then I can't make myself obey his one and only request...
I don't blame him for saying that I am stubborn because I admit I am... I was the one who called the shot this time... I was the one who started the mess... I was the one who put an end to it as well... Does it consider quits??? I have no idea on that... What I know now is everything seems to be so perfect on the surface but then it is in fact in a huge mess... Sigh...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Again...
I saw him again today... As usual, I am the one who lost control simply because I missed him too much... I want to see him but everytime I see him, things changed again because he is no longer mine... Seeing him standing right in front of me telling me stuff about other people can really drive me nuts...
Sleepless nights... Teary eyes... Telling stuff that should not be exposed indicates that all my little ego has gone... Nothing left... I was so proud the other time... Telling myself that my tears will never drop because of him... But then today is the second time...
I want so so so much to say that "I HATE YOU" just like what I did before... But I love him more than I can say that to him... I made myself suffer again just to protect him... I always think that I love myself more than anything else... But then there are exception... There are 3 guys that can make me listen to them no matter what... And it so happened that he is one of them...
I am so surprised that I am defeated to the ground this time... Totally defeated... Simply because of my ego... I think I am really mad...
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Update...
Hello folks... I am back in Muar for almost two months... Did not manage to shed any kg... Depressed... Sigh... How am I supposed to resist when there are varieties of food in Muar... How am I supposed not to eat mummy's cooking... Sigh...
Just came back from Penang on Sunday... Went there with Adrian, Calvin and Phylis... The self-declared F4 is in action again... Hahahaha... Had a great time there... It has been so many years since I went on holidays with my friends... Met up with Ee Theng there... Time may be short for this trip, but I am sure that everyone enjoyed themselves...
Another happy thing to highlight is the return of my darling from US... She is none other than Muhe... I have not seen her for almost 2 years... And she is back in Malaysia for 1 month yet I have no idea about it... Sigh... So much so for calling her darling...
There is another thing that I have no idea where should I categorise it... When I opened up my drawer in the room, I found a CD and some postcards... I have no idea what am I supposed to do with it... The best way out is to throw it again... But after sitting there for a while, I put everything back into the drawer and put it below everything in the drawer... I just don't wish to see those things when I open the drawer the next time...
Shi Hui <3
